17 week check-up & ultrasound!

We started working on our gender-neutral baby room yesterday.  The room is going to be silvery-gray with white trim.  Then, we can add color on the bedspreads and crib sets.  The plan was that Dave and his friend would work on this project and I would lay low.  Of course, I'm such a control-freak, I had to be up there helping a bit.  I started feeling a not-so-good pressure and stopped after a few hours and laid down.  When I woke up this morning, I had menstural-like cramps and a back ache.  Not good.  Fortunately, I was already scheduled for my 17 week check-up this morning.  Weight:  155 lbs. Heatbeats:  140's and 150's.  She said I am measuring at 20 weeks, even though I am 17 weeks.....due to it being twins. Things looked good.  They were very concerned about the cramping, especially since they have me on "watch" due to past surgeries on my cervix.  I was supposed to see the specialist at Strong tomorrow so they could ultrasound and measure my cervix.  The doc called and asked if I could get in today.  I could, and Dave and I went in.  I had the anatomical ultrasound!  That was the coolest thing ever!  It look over 1.5 hours and we saw everything.....including 2 penises!  JOY!  I think Dave was a little bummed, because he wanted a boy/girl.  I'm delighted to have all boys!  We are both very happy.  All the measurements look good.  The babies wouldn't cooperate and turn over so we couldn't get a profile picture.  They are both upside-down and head-to-head.  The measurements show them to be 7 oz. (baby B on my right) and 8 oz. (baby A on my left).  Baby A was very active.....and usually he is the quieter of the two.  I would have guessed that baby B would be bigger, but not so.

So, back to my cervix.  It should measure 35mm.  Mine measures 24mm.  Anything under 25mm is cause for concern.  We spoke to the doctor at length.  There are options:  sewing my cervix shut, vaginal progesterone, bedrest.....but none have proven to help at all.  In fact, sewing your cervix shut has resulted in very premature births.  His best advice is to have some repeat measurements and listen to my body.  When I'm feeling pressure or cramps....lay down!  He also recommends sitting whenver possible and avoid lifting.  They can take me out of work whenever I feel it is too much.  So, not much of an answer, I guess.  He says we have to get to at least 28-32 weeks for there to be good chances of survival and no health issues, if I were to go into premature labor.   He says we have a 7 in 10 chance of things going along okay.  That kind of freaks me out.  No premature babies, please!

15 week check-up

Two good heartbeats today!  The rates are 139 and 140.  My weight:  154.  I think that's a 9 pound jump since the last post.......and I think I need to slow it down a bit!  I've definitely started to show.  The doctor is sending me to see a specialist at Strong, who I will continue to see throughout the pregnancy.  This is due to the surgeries I've had on my cervix.  They need to make sure my cervix can hold tight.  If not, I'm looking at a surgery to stitch it up.  And lots of bed rest.  In another week, I'll go in for blood work for neural-tube defects and Down Syndrome.  That just gives us the probability of there being a problem.  If the probability is high, we can continue with more tests, like an amniocentesis.  Next appointment in 2 weeks.  And, by the way, I'm feeling SO much better now.  AND, I have been feeling movements for this past week.  Very cool!!!!

12 week check-up

We met with the mid-wife this morning.  We decided to decline the testing for Down Syndrome, etc.  She did the doppler and was able to find both heart beats.  One was 150 and the other was 130.  It is always comforting to hear the heart beats.  Next appointment is scheduled for 3 weeks from now.   Weight:  145

10 week check-up

I was scheduled to have a 30 minute appointment with my ob/gyn yesterday.  She was in a rush because she had another lady in labor waiting on her.  What a cool birthday for that new baby:  11/11/11!!  Anyway, since it was a rushed appointment, not much news to report.  She did do the doppler to find the heart rates.  One baby has a strong and fast heartrate of 170.  The other one was either very slow or difficult to find.  The doc wasn't saying much.  That always worries me.  She made a comment that the second baby is hanging out behind my artery to hear the comforting sounds of my own heartbeat.  At any rate, I didn't ask more.  I not going to search out bad news.....I'll let the bad news come to me.  Trying not to worry.  We have our next appointment in 2 weeks.  Dave will be able to attend that one.  I'm wondering if I'll be seeing the doc every 2 weeks during this pregnancy??  Weight:  143  And most importantly:  Able to STOP all patches and daily injections!!!!

Name comedy

Ironically, the only time I actually feel good is when I wake up in the morning.  It doesn't last long, but whoever named it "morning sickness" was a complete moron.  So, this morning we were laying in bed talking baby stuff.  I made us a shopping list of the items we will need for the first few months.  It's not a long list, but it should max out our credit cards easily!  Here is our conversation:

Dave:  So, have you thought of names?
Me:  Not really.  I was hoping to wait until we knew the sexes, but I really love the name "Katherine/Kate".
Dave:  I want to name a boy William, after your Dad.
Me: Uh, so if we have a boy and a girl their names will be William and Kate?  Hahahahaha!!!

That would be weird.  I'm not going to think about it anymore until we know the sexes.  This is too much work!

Miserably SICK

All my estrogen and progesterone levels are still good.  Strong took me off the supplementary estrogen and progesterone......but I'm still on the patches and daily shots.  The next blood draw is in 10 days and that will reveal if I'm ready to come off of all the drugs.  However, my regular ob/gyn might want me to stay on the shots until 23 weeks.  I'm praying I understood that wrong.  I will find out on Friday when I go back for another appointment.  Coming off the supplemental estrogen and progesterone sent me into a severe 3 day migraine.  All I wanted to do was go to Emergency, but I don't know that they can give me the glorious migraine shots that they normally give me.  I suffered through.  It was rough.  Other than that, I'm completely SICK all the time.  I usually can get through work, but by 5p through the night, I'm quite sick. Some nights I can't sleep and I'm awake and throwing up.  Seriously miserable.  I can't get anything done around the house. Dishes and junk and chores piles up.  It doesn't seem to bother Dave and Evan and I'm too sick to nag or beg them to help.  We've eaten the following meals this week:  MacDonalds, Burger King, Taco Bell, Kraft Mac & Cheese, Pizza slices from the gas station.  It's been pretty rough.  I've never experienced such agony for such a long period of time.  Having Dave gone for most of the week makes it much, much worse.  I'm praying that this ends after the first trimester.  I'm at week 9 right now.  That's not very far.  It's going to be a long, long road.

First OB/GYN appointment

I had my first appointment today at my regular gyn doctor.  Of course, Strong never sent the records over.  I had to sit there for over a half hour waiting to them to fax it.  I had called them almost 2 weeks ago telling them about my appointment.  "We'll have your records sent before your appointment so your doctor knows about all the procedures you've been through."  Uh huh, right.  Again, they already have all our cash, so there's really no urgency on their part.

My doctor spent about an hour wading through all my medications with me and taking medical history information.  We don't have any "real" information about the donor.  That kind of irks me.  Strong had originally told me we'd get a 13 page packet with all the medical history.  We only got a cover sheet with her height, weight, eye and hair color, hobbies, education, and very slight info on her parents and children.  I'm probably going to call Strong and ask, but I doubt I'll get anywhere.

So, my doc won't do anything about the morning sickness.  I haven't gained any weight yet.  I'm 8 weeks along.  She said that I'm supposed to be putting on a pound a week for another month, and then 1.5 pounds a week for the rest of the pregnancy.  That's going to be rough.  Eating is a CHORE for me now. I force myself to do it so I don't feel sick all the time.  I never thought that eating would become a chore!!!!!

Strong says my medications will probably stop in a couple more weeks.  My gyn doctor says they might keep me on the shots until I'm 23 weeks along.  That is like receiving a death sentence.  My butt is completely destroyed by these shots.  It hurts more than I can put into words.  It's bruised and lumpy.  I want to cry.

I constantly have 6 estrogen patches stuck to my stomach with numbers on them so I know when to change them.  The intern was doing my exam and he looks at them and says "Are these the Powerball numbers?"  Haha!  I needed that humor! :)

Going back in 2 more weeks for next appointment.

Watching my levels

Now I'm scheduled to have blood tested every other week. They are monitoring my progesterone and estrogen. When these hormones start taking over on their own, I will be able to wean off all the drugs I'm taking. I can't wait for that day!!! Right now my estrogen is 1980 and my estrogen is 86.4. I wish I knew what that means but I can't find anything on the Internet to interpret those numbers. We are having our first discussions about daycare, my job, how life will be, and if my body will ever recover from this. How much is abdomnioplasty??? I watched a c-section on YouTube and I wish I hadn't!!!! I have my first appointment with my regular gyn/ob this Thursday. Got lots to talk about.

TWINS!!!?!

OMG!  We went to the ultrasound on Monday.  We waited for the doctor over an hour.  I had so many clues that there might be more than one baby and I was so anxious.  They did the ultrasound and one black blob appeared.  The doc said, "There's one baby."  I was so sure there was twins that I actually felt a bit confused.  Then I clearly saw 2 black blobs.  She didn't say anything about them.  Then she said, "Baby #1's measurements are......".  At which point I asked, "How many do you see?"  "Oh", she says, "This is definitely a twin pregnancy."  Huh?!!  When were you going to tell us?

Nervous, excited, scared, happy.....feeling it all.   There is a 1 in 4 chance that one twin could vanish.  It happens a lot.  This explains the incredible morning sickness.  It also explains the insane fatigue and sharp, stabbing pains.  I've been pretty sick and I'm looking forward to feeling better.  Got lots of planning to do!

Morning, Noon, and Night Sickness :(

Although I only have one kiddo, I have had 3 pregnancies in the past.  I've NEVER had morning sickness.  This completely sucks!  I will say that the alternative (not being pregnant) would be much, much worse, but, whoa, this is bad!  Never in my whole life have I ever NOT wanted to eat.  This started 3 days ago and is progressively getting worse.  Basically, I'm down to being able to eat fresh fruit and cookies.  I can't even look at anything else.  You'd think I'd be losing weight.....but nope, I can't even button my jeans anymore. It's way to early for weight gain, but I thank the drugs for that.  I also thank them for this morning sickness.  I keep saying that as long as I'm feeling sick, it's a signal that I'm still pregnant.  I'm in week 6 now.  That means HALF of my shots/drugs are done.  Shots are getting more horrible as my skin toughens up.  Ugh.  Now, back to my Saltines and Ginger Ale.

hCG still on the rise!

Wednesday's hCG level was 10,399.  Very, very good!  Scheduled an ultrasound for Monday, October 17th. The nurse's exact words to me were, "You need to schedule a viability ultrasound to see how many are in there."  Dear God!  One would be very, very nice.

Starting to breath a little easier with all the good blood levels.  The shots are starting to get old though!

Good hCG levels!

I had more blood drawn today.  So far my hCG levels were 783 on Thursday and 5,399 today.  I have to get more drawn on Wednesday.  The crook of my arm is completely black and blue and I don't even care!!  The levels look good.  Fingers crossed that this continues.

Continuing all my shots, pills, and patches.  I have to schedule our first ultrasound for Oct 17, 18, or 19.  Hopefully I can get the 17th so Dave can come.  If all looks good with the ultrasound, I can get released back to my regular ob/gyn.  I can't even fathom this!

B F P

BIG

FAT

POSITIVE!!

Yipppppeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!  I didn't realize I was holding my breath all day.  I had myself so worked up. I cried all the way to school, thinking about how I would feel when they called me to tell us it was negative.  I just couldn't face it.

The doctor's office called me around 2p today and said, "We have good news for you!  It worked.  You are pregnant!"  I honestly couldn't comprehend what she said.  My head was buzzing.  All my life it has been bad news, bad news, bad news.  I just couldn't even accept this.  I actually came home and used an EPT just to see the words "pregnant" because I've taken a whole lot of those damn things and they always say "not pregnant".   Our  hcg numbers are high:  783.  Ultrasound in 3 more weeks to do a head count.  Lots more bloodwork.....like every 3 days for a while.  It's good to finally get poked and injected for a REASON this time!

I've been walking on air all afternoon.  But, I keep trying to make myself smarten up.  This is very early.  We have a 20% chance of miscarrying and that is very high.  Very scary.  I will try not to dwell on that and deal with it if it happens.  I need to call the pharmacy and get all my drugs ordered because I have another 12 weeks of it.

We did it!!!!!!!!!!!!   (I wish Dave was here.  I haven't even been able to talk to him yet.  Just sent him a text saying "positive".  I'm dying to see him!)

:D

I don't want to know anymore!

I'm scared.  I don't want that call tomorrow.  After suffering through this agonizing LONG 2 weeks, I just want to continue in my ignorant bliss.

I can't do it!

I have spent sleepless hours the last couple of nights wondering if I should test early.  Dave says no.  Everytime I pick up my bulk pack of EPTs, I decide against it.  The reason is:  I can't handle a negative.  So, I live each test-free day able to believe that I'm pregnant.  It's a glorious feeling.   In my rational head, I know I should test before I get the call from the doctor tomorrow.  I should prepare myself for the worst.  I haven't been doing a good job of that.  There is just too much on the line for us to lose.  So, here I sit, so-sure-I'm-pregnant......waiting for the other shoe to drop.  And worst of all, I will be on a field trip with Kindergarten that day.  I will be afraid to answer the phone, but I won't be able to not take it either!  If it's negative, I just need to get through the day so I can come home to cry out 3 months of shots and surgery and dreams.

If it's positive.....whew......that comes with a whole new set of worries.

Bloodtest Thursday at 8am.....

To test or not to test!!

So, during my last IVF, I tested early with an EPT.  I'm glad I did, because it prepared me for the doctor's office calling and telling me it was negative.

This time the crazy in me thinks it might be better not to test.  If I test and it's negative, I'll still convince myself that the blood test might be positive.  This is how the IVF brain works.  It sucks more than anything in the world.  However, if I don't test, then I will get the news while I am at work on Thursday.  This is worse.  I don't think I could recover from bad news while I'm at work.  Usually I have to cry it out for a day.....have my pity party.  Think of all the possibilities that are lost.  Think of how pathetic it is that I can't have the family I want.  Think of how on earth I'll face going through all this hell again.

What to do?????

The final 7 embies

After leaving a message every day for almost a full week, Strong finally let us know that 2 of the 7 embryos made it to blastocysts.  They have been frozen. They were rated B4 and B5 which they assure me is excellent.  The lab says they have almost a 100% of coming out of the freezing alive.  Sooooo.......in case this hellish project doesn't work out, I have that to look forward to again.

Although, this makes me think:  If only 2 out of 7 survived in the petri dish.  How many of the 2 survived when they were transferred to me?  Negative four??   Dave looks at it differently.  If most of the ones in the petri dish died, then there's a higher chance of the transferred ones making it.

My butt is bruised and there are large knots where the oil just collects.  It hurts like hell still.  On top of that, I started getting bouts of nausea all day yesterday.  I'd love to say it's because I'm pregnant, but it is just the hormones that I'm taking.  They make my body think it's pregnant.  This is psychologically bad.  I keep trying to tell myself that this isn't going to work.  I need to prepare myself for another huge let-down.  But, in my brain, I just know it's going to work.  The doctor says "prepare for the worst, hope for the best".  I'm driving myself insane.  Dave says, "Just don't think about it."  I could just smack him.  I'm jealous that he doesn't have to think about it, since he isn't pumping insane amounts of hormones into his body.  He isn't all bloated and uncomfortable all the time.

Speaking of hormones, I'm adding one more drug to my repitoire tomorrow.  I will be up to 5 different kinds of pills, patches, injections a day.....some that have to be taken twice a day.  It runs my life.

One the bright side, Dave is amazing at giving shots now.

Four more   l  o  n  g   days to wait.....

Side Effect City

Ouch, ouch, ouch!  My butt hurts like hell from these daily shots.  Working with 4, 5, & 6 year olds, I'm starting to notice how often I get the little "tap, tap, tap" on the butt to get my attention!  Oww!  So, I'm also getting lots of other unpleasant side effects.  I'll spare you the gorey details.  I'm a hurting, tired, achey, mess, to say the least.

Called Strong Andrology Lab today.  They were supposed to call us on Monday to say how many of our embryos made it to blastocysts.   Of course, they didn't.  What the hell do they care now?  They have their money.  How do they not know that this is the most important thing in my life right now?  I called and left them a message to leave me a message with the results, good or bad.  They called and left me a message.....but their message was to call them.  And, every single time you call Strong, you never get a person.  So, I left another message.  I'm getting completely pissed off with them.   Again.

Waiting to see what happened with the final "7".....

Nurse Dave

Dave administered his first IM shot to me this morning under the watchful eye of our neighbor.  Ouch!  It hurt a bit.  She says he needs to do it bit faster next time.  I'm glad that is done.  I'm impressed that he was able to do it and didn't seem squeamish.  He's flying out until next weekend, so he'll get a second chance next weekend.  Can't wait.

Now, just back to watching the days drag by......

Two

We went in this morning for our transfer.  Two embryos were put in.  They were both 8-celled with some fragmentation - and both grade 3.  Now the god-awful 2 week wait.  Tick.....tick.....tick.....time will actually slow down in the next 2 weeks....

In the meantime, the lab is watching the last 7 embryos to see if any make it to the blastocyst stage.  If so, they will freeze those too.  If we get a negative pregnancy result, we can start this whole procedure over again in November with frozen embryos.  The chances will be lower, since many embryos do not survive the freezing.  Plus, I don't know that we even WANT to try this again.  I'm tired and sore and sick of hormones!

This morning, our neighbor (who is a nurse) came over and showed Dave how to do the IM injections.  She is beyond awesome and is coming over again tomorrow to talk him through his first one.  After that, we're on our own.  Dave is all confident, but it's not his butt.  I'd be confident too if it was HIS butt on the line.  Did I mention that I'm sore??!

Nine

The andrology lab called.  Out of the 10 eggs, 9 fertilized.  They froze 2 at this stage, just in case.  They will tranfer 2 to me on Saturday.  Then, they will see if any of the leftovers make it to the blastocyst stage and freeze them as well.  Pregnancy test is set for Sept 29th.  I'm incredibly nervous.  I don't think I can handle a negative after all this money and effort and agony.  Prayers please!

Ten

The donor had her retrieval surgery today.  They retrieved 10 eggs.  The doc said they usually retrieve between 10 and 20.  So 10 seems low to me.  And it will get lower in the next few days.  Tomorrow they will call and tell me how many of those eggs are mature.  Then they will tell me how many fertilized.  Then they will see how many survive in the petri-dish for 3-5 days.  Sigh.  But, the doc says, "This is a good amount."  I suppose you would have to say that to someone who just handed over their life savings.

In the meantime, I had my first big shot this morning.  A nurse friend of mine is willing to help me out here.  The shot didn't hurt, but, damn, it feels like someone hit me in the butt with a bat! I'm leaning against a heating pad now.  Dave is gone for the week.  On the weekend, another nurse friend of mine will give Dave instructions and he will use me as a guinea pig to do his first IM shots.  I'm extremely nervous about this.

Stay tuned...

Solid dates

Our donor is ready!  It's a day later than expected.  She gets her HCG shot today.  Wednesday is her egg retrieval surgery.  Thursday they will call us and let us know how many eggs there were and how many fertilized.  They will also let us know our transfer date.  It could be Saturday (for a 3 day transfer) or Monday (for a 5 day transfer).  The doc says I have to lay low the day of and the day after the transfer.......movies and reading.  I am not supposed to do any exercise that will raise my body temperature until I get a pregnancy test at the end of the month.   This is different from my last IVF at a different doctor's office.  They sent me back to work after my transfer and also told me I could exercise that same day!

In addition to my nightmares (3 so far) about these upcoming shots (that start Wednesday, boo!), is a conversation that Dave had with me tonight.  What prevents a donor from coming back and claiming her baby at some point?  Good question.  The doctors have done an excellent job shielding us from these legal issues.  It makes me nervous that the doctors are nervous about answering such questions.  Dave has an appointment with them on Wednesday and he plans to ask this question.  For me, ignorance is bliss.  I choose not to think of such things.

What if??

All along I've been very focused on getting through this process.  Today, I'm filled with an overwhelming feeling of 'what if this doesn't work?'  I haven't let myself think of that a lot.  The counselor asked us that question, but we were so far from actually going through it that I wasn't that worried.  We have a 49% chance of it working.  That's HUGE compared to the 9% they gave us when we first tried IVF with my own eggs.  I'm less nervous about a potential baby having serious defects since we're using a younger (30 year old) donor.   When we used my 42 year old eggs, I was freaking out that we'd have a baby with some type of syndrome.  As sad as I am that I won't be able to have a child that's biologically mine, this is a bonus.  So, what if this doesn't work?      I       don't       know.

Migraines are still tearing my head apart.  Usually it lets up by now.  Very unpleasant, to say the least.  I know it's the Estrogen.  Can't wait to see what side-effect horrors are lurking around the corner with the Progesterone.

Migraine from these hormones again

Well, we are paid up.  Today is the day that the donor will start her stim shots.  I don't know her, but I'm so thankful that there are people out there like her.  I think it would be very difficult to give up your eggs knowing that someone else is raising your baby that you will never know.  The doc says that the donors are usually girls who have a friend or family member with infertility.....not girls who need $5k.  Interestingly, they are only able to donate 6 times since they are local girls and this cuts down on circumstance of kids from donor eggs meeting and marrying later in life.  Weird, huh.

I started the Estrogen patches and pills.  Like usual, I ended up with a horrible migraine.  This is the second day with it and no relief in sight.  I'm trying to stay away from my migraine meds because this hormonal migraine always comes back anyway and I have enough "drugs" going in to my body on a daily basis.  I've been keeping ice packs on my head to try to keep it numb.  This should level out in a day or two.  Ugh.

Shot update

Well, I have given in to letting Dave "practice" giving me my Lupron shots.  I don't like this at all, but I'm resigned to the fact that he is going to have to give me many of those big shots in a couple of weeks, so I want him to get comfortable with jabbing me.  He's doing fine, but this is a tiny needle and easy to give.  I'm still completely freaking out with the shots that will start on September 13th.  I was able to get a friend of mine to give me the shots when Dave is not here.  Hopefully, the plan will be that I stop at her house each morning on the way to school.  If it turns out that I'm pregnant (which I am becoming less and less hopeful about the closer we get to the transfer), I'm thinking that my "diagnosis" of infertility will change and I might be able to get the insurance company to send a visiting nurse.  We'll see.

The doctor never called Dave back about a written contract.  We're really, really displeased with Strong.  Our last fertility doctor was so accomodating and always available.  Strong is a factory.....and we are on an assembly line.  They don't even fake that we mean anything to them.  It's a really crappy feeling.  Sooooo......Dave ended up calling them today and giving them his credit card sans contract.  I hope we don't get screwed.

I can't handle this anymore

I have just spent over an hour and half on the phone between my insurance company and home care nursing.  Blue Cross Blue Shield will NOT cover a nurse giving me my shots because it is not "medically necessary".  This coming right after my half hour conversation on the phone with them the other day when they told me it was 100% covered and gave me the names of all the local home care agencies.  I was crying so hard on the phone that she basically just couldn't say "no" to me one more time.  They told me to do all this "busy" work getting a script, scheduling with the home care agency, and submitting the claim so they could review it to see if it was medically necessary.  WTF?  I'm not an idiot.  I KNOW it's not medically necessary!  I know she just wanted my crying ass off the phone.   I'm so upset.  I could go to my neighbor or my friend or Dave's mom for these shots.....but I just want ONE person to do them for me.  I don't want to have to pull my pants down for every person in the world.  I don't want 3 different people to have to figure out how to do these horrible oil shots.  I could drive to Strong for the shots (except for weekends), but then I won't be here to get Evan ont he bus and will be late to school every day.

And all this is on the heels of Dave trying to get a contract to pay the $16,500 yesterday.  They just want a credit card.  There is no written contract.  You pay and if things don't proceed for whatever reason, they refund parts of your money. What parts you ask?  Oh, they have a price list.  Apparently that is not our business.  Dave spoke to the doctor several times yesterday, getting called out of meetings, and they basically just want us to "trust" them.  Everyone else does.  They are a bunch of vultures preying on people who are emotional wrecks.  And I am a complete wreck today.

I fucking give up.

Bye-bye $$$

I've officially started prepping for this project this past weekend.  I'm doing my daily shots and pills and whatnot.  The medication schedule is a nightmare and will run my life for the next 37 days until I find out if I'm pregnant.  Then, if I am pregnant, it will continue.  I've been in contact with my insurance company and home care nursing, trying to find someone to give me the big shots that start in 3 weeks.  I would do anything to avoid these shots.  I spent 2 hours on the phone trying to get this nailed down.  No luck yet, but some leads.  Tomorrow Dave is going to hand over the $16,500 for our big gamble.  I really, really, really hope that this works, because that is our deck and hot-tub money going down the drain.  It's hard to hand over another huge chunk of money after our last 10K went down the drain in a failed IVF just 7 months ago.  This gambling blows.

How???

Starting in September, I will need to get a shot in my hip every morning.  It IS possible to give these shots to yourself, but I am absolutely scared to do it.  It's progesterone in a thick oil, in a BIG needle.  They are not pleasant.  This is our new argument.  We are just about killing each other over this.  Dave thinks that me giving myself this shot is an option.  It is not.  I will not/can not do it.  Dave wants to also give me these shots when he is home for the weekends.  Dave passes out at the sight of blood.  I do not think he's capable of taking on this responsibility.  I made him call Urgent Care and see if I could go there to get the shot.  They refuse, unless they prescribe the shot.  I've put an ad on Craigslist.  For my piece of mind, I would really love to have ONE person versed and responsible for giving me these shots.  Dave is not able to understand this.  We hate each other.  He never believed me that infertility ruined my first marriage.  I'm so sick of him not understanding. This ALL SUCKS.  How am I going to get these shots for 2-12 weeks?

It's a GO!

Strong called today.  We are able to use the donor that we chose.  Now we are trying to sync the donor's cycle with mine.  They will call on Monday with more detailed dates, but here's what it will potentially look like:

First week of Sept:  donor does stim drugs
Second week:  I get ultrasound and bloodwork
Around Sept. 16/18th - transfer

......a little excited.

Donor choosen

Both donor's profiles are in a crumpled ball somewhere on the floor in our house.  The stress of this is just about killing us.  Our summer vacation has officially been dumped, and I really do think it was desperately needed this year.  So after MUCH "discussion" (aka screaming at each other), we have settled on the taller, blue-eyed donor.  The only thing is, it has taken us a WEEK to come to this consensus.  On Monday, we will call and get that started. I do have a tiny fear that they have already given this donor up to someone else as we have argued ourselves silly.  Monday will tell.

Choosing our gene pool = intense arguments

Last week we got 2 donor profiles. One is a 5'7" girl with hazel eyes and one is a 5'9" girl with blue eyes.  I got attached to the 5'9" girl's profile and was ready to GO!  Dave wasn't able to come home that week and when he did, he didn't want to discuss the profiles.  He's pissed that the doctor didn't send us these weeks back, like he had requested.  He travels all the time and doesn't want to have to make a decision quickly.  Every time we try to talk about the donor, we get in an argument.  Severe arguments!!  It's brutal.  I've probably hung up on him over 5 times this week.  He doesn't like the donors because they are too old (30 and 32).  He wants someone younger, even if they don't meet all our criteria for a donor.  He knows we would have a better chance with a younger donor.  He wants her to be 25 years or younger.  He made me call the doctor and ask for them to send us younger girls' profiles to look at.  They told me they didn't have any.  Not acceptable to Dave.  When we switched to Strong, we were told they had TONS of donors to pick from.  Dave wants to be able to go there and look through them all.  He doesn't want them choosing 2 for us to pick from.  He has a point.  But, I am past having control of this whole thing.  We control nothing.  The doctor controls everything.

Dave continued to get more and more pissed off.  He kept having me call the doctor.  And then he would verbally beat me up when I would deliver the message.  I hated every minute of it.  And I was hooked on the tall, blue eyed donor.  That really worked for me.   And they told me if we didn't make up our mind quickly to use that donor, they would have to offer her to someone else.  Dave called the doctor this morning and found out that Strong only has FIVE donors!!!!!!  That's it!  Seriously?  They made it sound like they had hundreds to pick from.  He will come home at midnight today and we will talk and choose one.  Moving forward, one centimeter at a time.  It will be amazing if our relationship lasts throught this.

A complete pain in my....

HEAD!  Migraines have become a regular part of my life as I go through these shot cycles.  As soon as I'm about a week into the shots, I usually get a migraine so bad that I end up in the emergency room.  That happened again today.  The pain woke me up.  My perscription migraine meds didn't help.  I called Urgent Care, hoping they could help me for my co-pay of $15.  Nope.  Emergency room was the only option and that costs $50 for that glorious shot of pain-relief.  But, because it's a drug induced migraine, it will come back.  Instead, I put ice on my head and stayed in bed until mid-afternoon.  When the pain lessened to a measley regular bad head-ache, I was able to enjoy this beautiful summer day.  I hate these drugs!!

What to Expect When She's Not Expecting

Dave is completely frustrating me.  He really does not get it.  We must argue on a daily basis about baby stuff.  While I am shooting myself up with insane hormones and going to embarassing and degrading gyno appointments, he sits back and tells me that it's not normal for me to "act all crazy" when someone close to us has a baby.  Yesterday's was a whopper.  I told him how afraid I am to do the hip injections of Progesterone in Oil. (In my defense, these really are horrible shots and they may have to happen daily for 12 weeks) Since Dave is not always here, I either have to do them myself or find someone to do them for me.  They have to be done at the same time each morning.  Since it's a 2 inch needle and I'm horrified at giving myself shots, I am not going to be doing these shots myself.  It's all I can do to get through the 20 days of little Lupron shots in my stomach.  He is pissed at me.  He can't understand why this is such a big deal.  If he is paying all this money, the least I can do is take care of my own shots.  It's all I can do not to strangle him.  He upsets me so much.  All he had to say was, "I would be afraid of those too.  We'll figure something out together."  Nope, he tells me I'm crazy and selfish and a chicken.  That just earned him a book that I ordered off of Amazon last night:  "What to Expect When She's not Expecting".  Hopefully it will tell him how to understand me, sympathize with me, and handle me.  It better get here soon, his life may depend on it.  PS - Just for the record, I asked him to use one of my little Lupron needles and just stick it in his stomach.  Nope, he won't do that.  I'm sure it scares him.

Ohhhh Shit!

The doc called Dave today with the answer to his question:  No we may NOT chose an egg donor before my mock cycle is over.  Dave is pissed now.  Ha~ Welcome to the club.  So Dave told the doctor that this was unacceptable.  He told him to have the coordinator of the whole program call him. He gave him a deadline of my 43rd birthday in October to have us done with this egg donor procedure.  He was ready to tell the doctor that if we are going to gamble our $18,000 at "Strong Casino", we should at least get a free drink.  That's customer service.  This makes me nervous.  Instead of the tall, thin, smart egg donor......the office is going to be mad at us and secretly give us a 16 year old high school drop out crack-dealer's egg.  I just know this.  This is not going to end well.

Ooops.....my bad

So, I'm supposed to start my lupron shots this morning.  They were supposed to get delivered yesterday.  I was storming around the house this morning.  Called the pharmacy.  Demanded that someone call me back.  Took my phone on my run just in case the pharmacist called me.  No call.  Bitched to Dave.  Stormed around the house.  Complained to all who would listen on Facebook.  Opened up my Google calendar  - noticed that today is WEDNESDAY!  Huh?  Oh, the woes of not working in the summer.  I thought it was Thursday.  I have no idea what day it is.  I'm supposed to start the shots tomorrow.  It's a damn good thing I didn't have them here or I would have potentially screwed this month up.  Drugs should come today.  All is well.  It appears that I cannot stay productive unless I'm doing a million things at once and my calendar is booked.  Hopefully I can protect myself from my own self!

Sobfest

We had a doctor's appointment this morning for my "mock transfer".  Not bad, done in less than 10 minutes.  Now we both have to go for a bunch of bloodwork to make sure we don't have any STD's or AIDS.  Can I tell you how many times we've both had to get tested for this junk?  Does it matter that we've already had all these tests?  Nope.  "It's just part of our procedure."

After the mock transfer we met with the egg donor coordinator, thinking we would be looking at donor profiles.  Again, nope.  "Sorry, we can't do that until after you're done with your mock drug cycle.  It's part of our procedure."  Dave kind of lost it in his "Dave-way".  We've had so many set-backs.  Dave asked if we could look at donor profiles NOW and as soon as my mock drug cycle is done, be ready to MOVE on a donor.  This would potentially get us about 1 month closer.  They couldn't answer this question, and quite honestly the egg donor coordinator was completely pissing us both off with her non-answers.  The doctor is meeting with the head of the donor program tomorrow and will be asking this question for us.  I don't think they're going to go for it.  I think Dave is going to flip out on them.

The stress of all this, in addition to the fact that Dave cannot understand why it's so upsetting for me to have so many friends/family all having babies right now had me in tears all the way to the appointment, during the appointment, and after the appointment.  This is killing me.  I need someone to talk to.  My mom......or a counselor.  Sob.

Baby and drug woes

There have been a slew of new babies in my life again.  This month was particulary hard since this would have been the month we were "due" had that huge surgery worked out last June.  I'm sure I'm not the only crazy person who thinks like this, planning things way out into the future.....things that haven't even happened yet.  Every time I have an IUI or IVF, I know my "due" date.  Very depressing.  I'm finally "wading through" the emotionally turbulent waters of visiting all the new babies, and sending all the baby cards, and buying all the baby gifts.  The babies are beautiful, of course.  I'm happy for their parents.  It just makes me sad for Dave and me.

I'm in the middle of a mock drug cycle.  The pharmacy can't get my lupron shots.  I need to start them in 2 days.  There is a world-wide shortage.  Oh, and my insurance probably does not cover the drugs.  I'm in the hole over $300 for this month on drugs alone.......and I haven't even bought the lupron shots and needles.  The bitch of all this is that I might have to scrap the whole cycle (along with the already sunk $300) if I can't get the lupron shots.  We're seeing the doctor this morning.  I convinced Dave to come with me. He cancelled a meeting for it.  It's always unclear exactly "what" is included in this new $16,000 endevor.  Apparently drugs may not be included - which is going to run us extra thousands of dollars.  I'm so glad that Dave is coming and dealing with this.  There is so much stress for me:  the drugs, the doctor appointments, the money, Dave getting mad about the cost.  It never ends.  And other people's babies keep coming.  :/

Mock cycle and no vacation

So, I started my mock medication cycle.  I'm glad I've been through this before, or the nurse's phone call would have scared me to death.  In less than a minute she named off my schedule for the next week:
1)  June 15 - start pills
2) June 28 - mock transfer
3) June 30 - start Lupron injections
4) July 9 - start Estogen patch
5) July 15 - bloodwork
6) July 19 - ultrasound
Nothing to it.  Except for the fact that this goes right through our vacation week and I can't leave town while I'm doing it.  I will make an attempt to change our vacation to August, but I have severe doubts that this will work out.  Looks like no vacation this summer.  Please let this be worth it.

FML

I had my post op appointment today.  I took a half a day off of work.  I drove into the city.  I paid a $15 co-pay.  I waited over 40 minutes in a bare room to see the doctor.  The appointment lasted 2 minutes:  Any problems after your surgery?  Nope.  Any bleeding?  Nope.  Okay, everything looked good during the surgery.  You're all set.
WHAT??????  Are you kidding?  It is clear that there are so many people who make shitloads of money off of people who can't get pregnant.  That appointment was a joke.  He said we can't go any further until the counselor turns in her report.  Hmmmmmm, well, the counselor is just "swamped" so that's not going to happen anytime soon.  It was my understanding that all of these procedures would be done this summer and I would then know if I was going forward in life with a baby or not.  Nope.  Everybody is on hold until this counselor gets her report done.  That means we also have to put our vacation plans on hold.   This is so utterly unfair....it chokes me up.
I asked to see the Egg Donor Coordinator to get an idea of what lies ahead.  She said she really can't tell me until the counselor gets her report in.   In one week, I will be allowed to start my "mock cycle".  This is the cycle that the doctor said is very easy and they will just put an estrogen patch on me.  Well......turns out that that ISN'T all there is to it.  I have to be on the pill, have an estrogen patch, give myself lupron shots every day, have blood taken every 3 days, and come in for several ultra-sounds.  I am beyond frustrated.  And the clock keeps ticking.  And our vacation is drifting away.  Quite honestly, we're probably looking at end of summer or early fall now.

Counselors Making Tons of $$$$$ off the Infertile

Okay, it's taken me 3 days to calm down from our couseling appointment, and just thinking about it again is getting me elevated.  I don't think I've been so pissed in a long time.  We got to our mandatory 2 hour counseling appointment that is costing $250.  The counselor leads us into a conference room where there are big tables and 2 test booklets and answer sheets.  She tells us that we each have to take a personality test that will take us about 45 minutes and that she would be back to check on us in 30 minutes.  She tells us not to talk to each other and leaves.  We both look at the FREAKING THREE HUNDRED AND SIXTY QUESTIONS and I lose it.  I start swearing at the fact that we're being punished once again for not being able to get pregnant on our own.  Then Dave looks up and notices that we're being video-recorded.  Nice.  The questionnaire had about 10 questions that were asked in a million different ways to try to see if they could catch you up.  The gist of the questions:  1)  Do you hear voices in your head?  2)  Do you ever think about killing yourself?  3) Do drugs and alcohol ruin your live?  4)  Do you engage in risky behavior?  The questions were absolutely ridiculous.  I was pissed off and upset to sit there and do that "behavior" test.    Then, the counselor came in and we had to both relay if our brothers/sisters were happily on the way through life as parents and how that makes us feel.  (It feels real nice, thanks for asking!)  She asked what we would do if we didn't get pregnant after spending all this money (even though she was also grabbing fistfulls of our money too).  The appointment was bullshit.  In order for us to go forward, she has to score our personality tests and let the doctor know that we are going to be 'okay' candidates.  She must love that power.  And here's the kicker:  She says that she's "swamped" and it's going to take a while until she lets our doctor know.  But.......her effing (sorry) bill showed up in our mailbox 2 days later......she had time to get that out.  Really dear counselor, take your time.  You're being allowed to play God with my life - enjoy it.  Make us wait.  I'm getting younger by the day.  And why pressure yourself by getting information to the doctor that would allow us to start this procedure in one week?  By all means,  we can wait for another complete cycle.....what's another month?  It's not your life.

Surgery done

I went in for surgery last Friday.   It was fast.  I was in and out in less than 4 hours.  No restrictions.  I worked out on Sunday and started running the next day.  Yay!  The doc says the biopsies to test for cancer will be back in 5 days.  He's not concerned at all because he said they were polyps, not tumors this time.   The surgery, however, puts us in a setback for a whole month while I heal inside.  Frustrating.  This dealio could ruin our whole summer.  We want to rent a beach house in NC, but we can't until we know what's going on with our procedures.  Really, really frustrating.  

Dave's stupid schedule

Dave finally got in contact with the counselor.  Turns out that Dave's NYC meeting was cancelled and we could have gone to the May 5th appointment, but we couldn't get it back.  So, now we have a 3 week set-back and can't get in to see the counselor until the end of May.

I'm also feeling horrible guilt because I basically guilted Dave into cancelling a meeting in NYC on the 13th so he could take me to my surgery.  I know it was an important meeting.  I know I could have gotten myself to surgery, had it, and then waited for Dave to fly home and get me.   I'm sure I would have been fine.   I probably should have just done it myself, but the surgical nurse has asked me TWICE if I had someone who would be here and take me home after the surgery.  She also doesn't want me to be alone for 24 hours after the surgery.  I don't know why.  I basically lied to her twice because I knew Dave wanted to be in NYC.  It made me angry that I had to have the surgery and Dave got to "not deal with it".  I'm a human pin cushion.  He doesn't get that.

Surgery scheduled

Just got a surgery date of Friday, May 13th.  They say I should be be back at work after relaxing for that weekend.  Uh oh, Friday the 13th!  Hmmmmm.  Also, Dave just informed me that we have to cancel our counceling appointment because he will be in NYC.  The story of my life.  One step forward and 2 steps back.  I'm putting him in charge of rescheduling, but I don't know that it will happen anytime soon.  His schedule is wacked.

Saline Sonohistogram and another set-back

I went in this morning for a Saline Sonohistogram......yeah, and it's as pleasant as it sounds.  I've had about 4 of them in my lifetime.  That's about 4 more than anybody should have to have.  Deloitte had Dave, so I went solo.  Of course, the doctor and her intern found "something".  They didn't say that while I had my feet in the stirrups, but she asked me to get dressed and come meet them in the conference room.  Never good.  The sonogram shows that there is something in my uterus.  I'm no doctor, but right off the bat, I'm going to rule out that it's a baby.  I had a pretty involved surgery less than a year ago to remove huge fibroid tumors that had taken over my uterus, inside and out.  They had to cut my uterus into many pieces and sew it back together.  This doctor says she doesn't believe the "something" is a fibroid, although I do have a bunch of those already growing back.....but too small at this point to worry about.  She thinks it might be scar tissue or a polyp - maybe.  And guess what?  They only way to tell is another surgery!  So, I'll be calling to schedule my "hysteroscopy" sometime for the next month.   It will be done under anesthesia and I should be in and out of the hospital in a day.  Joy.

To tell or not to tell, that is the question.

The next hurdle in this egg donor project is making the decision whether to tell the baby, friends, and family that I am not the bio-mom.  I've actually fluctuated on my thinking over this in the past few weeks.  I am definitely 100% in favor of telling the baby.  I think everyone has the right to know where they come from.  And God-forbid that I don't tell the baby and he/she finds out later.  Horror.  As far as friends and family go, I originally thought that we wouldn't tell anybody.  I am so angry at my situation with infertility. I am angry that  most people don't have to make these horrid decisions.  Why me?  Why do the people in my life and family have to know that we resorted to using someone else's egg?  But, then, over the weeks, I  have made the decision that I just don't care anymore.  I don't care who knows.  I don't care what other people think of this decision.  I don't care.  If people judge me and the things I've had to do in order to try to have a family, then I hope they have their own struggles with infertility.  I know that's mean.....but it's really how I feel.  I'm angry.  So, what do I have to hide?  Am I embararassed that I have to use someone else's eggs?  Nope.  Am I nervous. Yep.  It's better if the whole world knows.  I'm a realist.  This is just part of my life.

OMG - Really???

I am trying to calm down and get my wits about me again.  In order to "qualify" to receive donor eggs, we must go to a counseling appointment that will last 2.5 hours.  I knew this ahead of time.  I thought I was prepared.  I had the counselor's name and phone number and have tried to get ahold of her 3 times this week.  Finally this evening, a different counselor called me back to schedule an appointment.  She started talking to me like I was donating MY eggs.  No, ma'am, you seriously don't want MY eggs.  WE don't even want MY eggs.  When we cleared up the fact that we needed to get this appointment to "okay" us to go forward to be the RECIPIENT of donor eggs, we we able to schedule our appointment for May 5th.  Miraculously, it's an evening appointment, so I won't need to take more sick days from work.  I'm so afraid I'm going to have a bad attitude during this appointment and it's going to effect us being able to get donor eggs.  This lady just rubbed me the wrong way.  And I'm pissed that some random woman is going to charge us $250 to DECIDE if we're qualified to get donor eggs.  Deep in my brain, I know that the purpose of this is for her to "look out for me" and make sure I know what I'm getting into....and know what I'm losing by choosing a donor egg.  But still, I'm pissed.  This is the #1 reason I won't ever feel able to adopt.  I do NOT want other people making me jump through hoops to prove that I'll be a good mother, worthy of adopting a child, and that my house and lifestyle are good enough.  I would go crazy mad!!

So, on May 5th, Dave and I will be getting a psychological evaluation,  personality tests, and we will be asked questions to clarify that we understand what we're getting into.  Can't wait.

Baby Mama

So, I did some more homework.  It turns out that surrogacy is legal in New York as long as you know the person and no money is exchanged.  Wow.  Nope, definitely not for me.  I'm too much of a control freak.  So, we're back to talking about using an egg donor.  Not an easy decision.  But, what is our other option?  Adoption.  Due to my age, we will not be able to adopt a new-born. And we could wait for years for a child.  I've read so much scary stuff about adopting.  At this point, I'm not ready.  At least using an egg donor will give us a new-born and the baby will be genetically Dave's.  I'm okay with that.  I keep telling myself that.  I'm okay with that.  It's okay that I don't get to pass my genes for near-sighted eyes, thin hair, and a pointed nose to my potential baby.  But....but.....I also don't get to pass my tallness, my artistic-ness, my Perkins humor, and the way I look like my mom and my grandmother.  I'm okay with that. Right?  So we argued all weekend about what our baby mama is going to look like.  We'll never get to see her.  We'll get to read lots of stuff about her.  We get to make requests.  I want someone tall and thin.  Dave wants someone athletic and smart.  Hey!  Those aren't things our baby would have gotten from me naturally.  Thus, the arguments.  The requests were mailed today.  We'll see if I have a fertile, young "twin" out there who's ready to sell her eggs.

Here we go again?

We thought our failed IVF was the end of the road.  I mourned and was ready to move on - baby free.  Then, someone hooked me with, "Did I ever tell you how I got pregnant?"  An egg donor????  What?  Why have I never, ever pondered using an egg donor?  In ALL the reading I have done, day after day, month after month, year after year.  I thought I knew EVERYTHING about infertility.   After the failed IVF, my doc said, "No more IVF.  I will not take your money.  It is rarely successful at your age."  Okay, that sounded like the end to me.  I accepted that.  We tried.   We tried really hard.  We spent too much money.  We were done.  Except, on a whim, I called a new doctor at Strong.  I set up a consultation appointment.  We went last week.  There are egg donors ready and willing.  This possibility is turning me into a silly mess.  Do I dare let myself feel this hope again?  Will I be okay having a baby that is not genetically mine?  We did a lot of talking.  We did a LOT of arguing.  I guess I don't even need the fertility shots to be "crazy".