Surgery scheduled

Just got a surgery date of Friday, May 13th.  They say I should be be back at work after relaxing for that weekend.  Uh oh, Friday the 13th!  Hmmmmm.  Also, Dave just informed me that we have to cancel our counceling appointment because he will be in NYC.  The story of my life.  One step forward and 2 steps back.  I'm putting him in charge of rescheduling, but I don't know that it will happen anytime soon.  His schedule is wacked.

Saline Sonohistogram and another set-back

I went in this morning for a Saline Sonohistogram......yeah, and it's as pleasant as it sounds.  I've had about 4 of them in my lifetime.  That's about 4 more than anybody should have to have.  Deloitte had Dave, so I went solo.  Of course, the doctor and her intern found "something".  They didn't say that while I had my feet in the stirrups, but she asked me to get dressed and come meet them in the conference room.  Never good.  The sonogram shows that there is something in my uterus.  I'm no doctor, but right off the bat, I'm going to rule out that it's a baby.  I had a pretty involved surgery less than a year ago to remove huge fibroid tumors that had taken over my uterus, inside and out.  They had to cut my uterus into many pieces and sew it back together.  This doctor says she doesn't believe the "something" is a fibroid, although I do have a bunch of those already growing back.....but too small at this point to worry about.  She thinks it might be scar tissue or a polyp - maybe.  And guess what?  They only way to tell is another surgery!  So, I'll be calling to schedule my "hysteroscopy" sometime for the next month.   It will be done under anesthesia and I should be in and out of the hospital in a day.  Joy.

To tell or not to tell, that is the question.

The next hurdle in this egg donor project is making the decision whether to tell the baby, friends, and family that I am not the bio-mom.  I've actually fluctuated on my thinking over this in the past few weeks.  I am definitely 100% in favor of telling the baby.  I think everyone has the right to know where they come from.  And God-forbid that I don't tell the baby and he/she finds out later.  Horror.  As far as friends and family go, I originally thought that we wouldn't tell anybody.  I am so angry at my situation with infertility. I am angry that  most people don't have to make these horrid decisions.  Why me?  Why do the people in my life and family have to know that we resorted to using someone else's egg?  But, then, over the weeks, I  have made the decision that I just don't care anymore.  I don't care who knows.  I don't care what other people think of this decision.  I don't care.  If people judge me and the things I've had to do in order to try to have a family, then I hope they have their own struggles with infertility.  I know that's mean.....but it's really how I feel.  I'm angry.  So, what do I have to hide?  Am I embararassed that I have to use someone else's eggs?  Nope.  Am I nervous. Yep.  It's better if the whole world knows.  I'm a realist.  This is just part of my life.

OMG - Really???

I am trying to calm down and get my wits about me again.  In order to "qualify" to receive donor eggs, we must go to a counseling appointment that will last 2.5 hours.  I knew this ahead of time.  I thought I was prepared.  I had the counselor's name and phone number and have tried to get ahold of her 3 times this week.  Finally this evening, a different counselor called me back to schedule an appointment.  She started talking to me like I was donating MY eggs.  No, ma'am, you seriously don't want MY eggs.  WE don't even want MY eggs.  When we cleared up the fact that we needed to get this appointment to "okay" us to go forward to be the RECIPIENT of donor eggs, we we able to schedule our appointment for May 5th.  Miraculously, it's an evening appointment, so I won't need to take more sick days from work.  I'm so afraid I'm going to have a bad attitude during this appointment and it's going to effect us being able to get donor eggs.  This lady just rubbed me the wrong way.  And I'm pissed that some random woman is going to charge us $250 to DECIDE if we're qualified to get donor eggs.  Deep in my brain, I know that the purpose of this is for her to "look out for me" and make sure I know what I'm getting into....and know what I'm losing by choosing a donor egg.  But still, I'm pissed.  This is the #1 reason I won't ever feel able to adopt.  I do NOT want other people making me jump through hoops to prove that I'll be a good mother, worthy of adopting a child, and that my house and lifestyle are good enough.  I would go crazy mad!!

So, on May 5th, Dave and I will be getting a psychological evaluation,  personality tests, and we will be asked questions to clarify that we understand what we're getting into.  Can't wait.

Baby Mama

So, I did some more homework.  It turns out that surrogacy is legal in New York as long as you know the person and no money is exchanged.  Wow.  Nope, definitely not for me.  I'm too much of a control freak.  So, we're back to talking about using an egg donor.  Not an easy decision.  But, what is our other option?  Adoption.  Due to my age, we will not be able to adopt a new-born. And we could wait for years for a child.  I've read so much scary stuff about adopting.  At this point, I'm not ready.  At least using an egg donor will give us a new-born and the baby will be genetically Dave's.  I'm okay with that.  I keep telling myself that.  I'm okay with that.  It's okay that I don't get to pass my genes for near-sighted eyes, thin hair, and a pointed nose to my potential baby.  But....but.....I also don't get to pass my tallness, my artistic-ness, my Perkins humor, and the way I look like my mom and my grandmother.  I'm okay with that. Right?  So we argued all weekend about what our baby mama is going to look like.  We'll never get to see her.  We'll get to read lots of stuff about her.  We get to make requests.  I want someone tall and thin.  Dave wants someone athletic and smart.  Hey!  Those aren't things our baby would have gotten from me naturally.  Thus, the arguments.  The requests were mailed today.  We'll see if I have a fertile, young "twin" out there who's ready to sell her eggs.

Here we go again?

We thought our failed IVF was the end of the road.  I mourned and was ready to move on - baby free.  Then, someone hooked me with, "Did I ever tell you how I got pregnant?"  An egg donor????  What?  Why have I never, ever pondered using an egg donor?  In ALL the reading I have done, day after day, month after month, year after year.  I thought I knew EVERYTHING about infertility.   After the failed IVF, my doc said, "No more IVF.  I will not take your money.  It is rarely successful at your age."  Okay, that sounded like the end to me.  I accepted that.  We tried.   We tried really hard.  We spent too much money.  We were done.  Except, on a whim, I called a new doctor at Strong.  I set up a consultation appointment.  We went last week.  There are egg donors ready and willing.  This possibility is turning me into a silly mess.  Do I dare let myself feel this hope again?  Will I be okay having a baby that is not genetically mine?  We did a lot of talking.  We did a LOT of arguing.  I guess I don't even need the fertility shots to be "crazy".