Thursday, September 29, 2011

B F P

BIG

FAT

POSITIVE!!

Yipppppeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!  I didn't realize I was holding my breath all day.  I had myself so worked up. I cried all the way to school, thinking about how I would feel when they called me to tell us it was negative.  I just couldn't face it.

The doctor's office called me around 2p today and said, "We have good news for you!  It worked.  You are pregnant!"  I honestly couldn't comprehend what she said.  My head was buzzing.  All my life it has been bad news, bad news, bad news.  I just couldn't even accept this.  I actually came home and used an EPT just to see the words "pregnant" because I've taken a whole lot of those damn things and they always say "not pregnant".   Our  hcg numbers are high:  783.  Ultrasound in 3 more weeks to do a head count.  Lots more bloodwork.....like every 3 days for a while.  It's good to finally get poked and injected for a REASON this time!

I've been walking on air all afternoon.  But, I keep trying to make myself smarten up.  This is very early.  We have a 20% chance of miscarrying and that is very high.  Very scary.  I will try not to dwell on that and deal with it if it happens.  I need to call the pharmacy and get all my drugs ordered because I have another 12 weeks of it.

We did it!!!!!!!!!!!!   (I wish Dave was here.  I haven't even been able to talk to him yet.  Just sent him a text saying "positive".  I'm dying to see him!)

:D

Wednesday, September 28, 2011

I don't want to know anymore!

I'm scared.  I don't want that call tomorrow.  After suffering through this agonizing LONG 2 weeks, I just want to continue in my ignorant bliss.

I can't do it!

I have spent sleepless hours the last couple of nights wondering if I should test early.  Dave says no.  Everytime I pick up my bulk pack of EPTs, I decide against it.  The reason is:  I can't handle a negative.  So, I live each test-free day able to believe that I'm pregnant.  It's a glorious feeling.   In my rational head, I know I should test before I get the call from the doctor tomorrow.  I should prepare myself for the worst.  I haven't been doing a good job of that.  There is just too much on the line for us to lose.  So, here I sit, so-sure-I'm-pregnant......waiting for the other shoe to drop.  And worst of all, I will be on a field trip with Kindergarten that day.  I will be afraid to answer the phone, but I won't be able to not take it either!  If it's negative, I just need to get through the day so I can come home to cry out 3 months of shots and surgery and dreams.

If it's positive.....whew......that comes with a whole new set of worries.

Bloodtest Thursday at 8am.....

Monday, September 26, 2011

To test or not to test!!

So, during my last IVF, I tested early with an EPT.  I'm glad I did, because it prepared me for the doctor's office calling and telling me it was negative.

This time the crazy in me thinks it might be better not to test.  If I test and it's negative, I'll still convince myself that the blood test might be positive.  This is how the IVF brain works.  It sucks more than anything in the world.  However, if I don't test, then I will get the news while I am at work on Thursday.  This is worse.  I don't think I could recover from bad news while I'm at work.  Usually I have to cry it out for a day.....have my pity party.  Think of all the possibilities that are lost.  Think of how pathetic it is that I can't have the family I want.  Think of how on earth I'll face going through all this hell again.

What to do?????

Sunday, September 25, 2011

The final 7 embies

After leaving a message every day for almost a full week, Strong finally let us know that 2 of the 7 embryos made it to blastocysts.  They have been frozen. They were rated B4 and B5 which they assure me is excellent.  The lab says they have almost a 100% of coming out of the freezing alive.  Sooooo.......in case this hellish project doesn't work out, I have that to look forward to again.

Although, this makes me think:  If only 2 out of 7 survived in the petri dish.  How many of the 2 survived when they were transferred to me?  Negative four??   Dave looks at it differently.  If most of the ones in the petri dish died, then there's a higher chance of the transferred ones making it.

My butt is bruised and there are large knots where the oil just collects.  It hurts like hell still.  On top of that, I started getting bouts of nausea all day yesterday.  I'd love to say it's because I'm pregnant, but it is just the hormones that I'm taking.  They make my body think it's pregnant.  This is psychologically bad.  I keep trying to tell myself that this isn't going to work.  I need to prepare myself for another huge let-down.  But, in my brain, I just know it's going to work.  The doctor says "prepare for the worst, hope for the best".  I'm driving myself insane.  Dave says, "Just don't think about it."  I could just smack him.  I'm jealous that he doesn't have to think about it, since he isn't pumping insane amounts of hormones into his body.  He isn't all bloated and uncomfortable all the time.

Speaking of hormones, I'm adding one more drug to my repitoire tomorrow.  I will be up to 5 different kinds of pills, patches, injections a day.....some that have to be taken twice a day.  It runs my life.

One the bright side, Dave is amazing at giving shots now.

Four more   l  o  n  g   days to wait.....

Wednesday, September 21, 2011

Side Effect City

Ouch, ouch, ouch!  My butt hurts like hell from these daily shots.  Working with 4, 5, & 6 year olds, I'm starting to notice how often I get the little "tap, tap, tap" on the butt to get my attention!  Oww!  So, I'm also getting lots of other unpleasant side effects.  I'll spare you the gorey details.  I'm a hurting, tired, achey, mess, to say the least.

Called Strong Andrology Lab today.  They were supposed to call us on Monday to say how many of our embryos made it to blastocysts.   Of course, they didn't.  What the hell do they care now?  They have their money.  How do they not know that this is the most important thing in my life right now?  I called and left them a message to leave me a message with the results, good or bad.  They called and left me a message.....but their message was to call them.  And, every single time you call Strong, you never get a person.  So, I left another message.  I'm getting completely pissed off with them.   Again.

Waiting to see what happened with the final "7".....

Sunday, September 18, 2011

Nurse Dave

Dave administered his first IM shot to me this morning under the watchful eye of our neighbor.  Ouch!  It hurt a bit.  She says he needs to do it bit faster next time.  I'm glad that is done.  I'm impressed that he was able to do it and didn't seem squeamish.  He's flying out until next weekend, so he'll get a second chance next weekend.  Can't wait.

Now, just back to watching the days drag by......

Saturday, September 17, 2011

Two

We went in this morning for our transfer.  Two embryos were put in.  They were both 8-celled with some fragmentation - and both grade 3.  Now the god-awful 2 week wait.  Tick.....tick.....tick.....time will actually slow down in the next 2 weeks....

In the meantime, the lab is watching the last 7 embryos to see if any make it to the blastocyst stage.  If so, they will freeze those too.  If we get a negative pregnancy result, we can start this whole procedure over again in November with frozen embryos.  The chances will be lower, since many embryos do not survive the freezing.  Plus, I don't know that we even WANT to try this again.  I'm tired and sore and sick of hormones!

This morning, our neighbor (who is a nurse) came over and showed Dave how to do the IM injections.  She is beyond awesome and is coming over again tomorrow to talk him through his first one.  After that, we're on our own.  Dave is all confident, but it's not his butt.  I'd be confident too if it was HIS butt on the line.  Did I mention that I'm sore??!

Thursday, September 15, 2011

Nine

The andrology lab called.  Out of the 10 eggs, 9 fertilized.  They froze 2 at this stage, just in case.  They will tranfer 2 to me on Saturday.  Then, they will see if any of the leftovers make it to the blastocyst stage and freeze them as well.  Pregnancy test is set for Sept 29th.  I'm incredibly nervous.  I don't think I can handle a negative after all this money and effort and agony.  Prayers please!

Wednesday, September 14, 2011

Ten

The donor had her retrieval surgery today.  They retrieved 10 eggs.  The doc said they usually retrieve between 10 and 20.  So 10 seems low to me.  And it will get lower in the next few days.  Tomorrow they will call and tell me how many of those eggs are mature.  Then they will tell me how many fertilized.  Then they will see how many survive in the petri-dish for 3-5 days.  Sigh.  But, the doc says, "This is a good amount."  I suppose you would have to say that to someone who just handed over their life savings.

In the meantime, I had my first big shot this morning.  A nurse friend of mine is willing to help me out here.  The shot didn't hurt, but, damn, it feels like someone hit me in the butt with a bat! I'm leaning against a heating pad now.  Dave is gone for the week.  On the weekend, another nurse friend of mine will give Dave instructions and he will use me as a guinea pig to do his first IM shots.  I'm extremely nervous about this.

Stay tuned...

Monday, September 12, 2011

Solid dates

Our donor is ready!  It's a day later than expected.  She gets her HCG shot today.  Wednesday is her egg retrieval surgery.  Thursday they will call us and let us know how many eggs there were and how many fertilized.  They will also let us know our transfer date.  It could be Saturday (for a 3 day transfer) or Monday (for a 5 day transfer).  The doc says I have to lay low the day of and the day after the transfer.......movies and reading.  I am not supposed to do any exercise that will raise my body temperature until I get a pregnancy test at the end of the month.   This is different from my last IVF at a different doctor's office.  They sent me back to work after my transfer and also told me I could exercise that same day!

In addition to my nightmares (3 so far) about these upcoming shots (that start Wednesday, boo!), is a conversation that Dave had with me tonight.  What prevents a donor from coming back and claiming her baby at some point?  Good question.  The doctors have done an excellent job shielding us from these legal issues.  It makes me nervous that the doctors are nervous about answering such questions.  Dave has an appointment with them on Wednesday and he plans to ask this question.  For me, ignorance is bliss.  I choose not to think of such things.

Monday, September 5, 2011

What if??

All along I've been very focused on getting through this process.  Today, I'm filled with an overwhelming feeling of 'what if this doesn't work?'  I haven't let myself think of that a lot.  The counselor asked us that question, but we were so far from actually going through it that I wasn't that worried.  We have a 49% chance of it working.  That's HUGE compared to the 9% they gave us when we first tried IVF with my own eggs.  I'm less nervous about a potential baby having serious defects since we're using a younger (30 year old) donor.   When we used my 42 year old eggs, I was freaking out that we'd have a baby with some type of syndrome.  As sad as I am that I won't be able to have a child that's biologically mine, this is a bonus.  So, what if this doesn't work?      I       don't       know.

Migraines are still tearing my head apart.  Usually it lets up by now.  Very unpleasant, to say the least.  I know it's the Estrogen.  Can't wait to see what side-effect horrors are lurking around the corner with the Progesterone.

Thursday, September 1, 2011

Migraine from these hormones again

Well, we are paid up.  Today is the day that the donor will start her stim shots.  I don't know her, but I'm so thankful that there are people out there like her.  I think it would be very difficult to give up your eggs knowing that someone else is raising your baby that you will never know.  The doc says that the donors are usually girls who have a friend or family member with infertility.....not girls who need $5k.  Interestingly, they are only able to donate 6 times since they are local girls and this cuts down on circumstance of kids from donor eggs meeting and marrying later in life.  Weird, huh.

I started the Estrogen patches and pills.  Like usual, I ended up with a horrible migraine.  This is the second day with it and no relief in sight.  I'm trying to stay away from my migraine meds because this hormonal migraine always comes back anyway and I have enough "drugs" going in to my body on a daily basis.  I've been keeping ice packs on my head to try to keep it numb.  This should level out in a day or two.  Ugh.